December 20, 2005

’cause it’s been awhile.

Got caught up in the holiday craziness of everyone wanting their business done before the end of the year, plus bad weather wreaking havoc with my internet connection (good-bye, SBC…hello, Comcast. At least the cable lines are buried and don’t get iced over during Michigan blizzards!), plus all my own holiday honey-do list items.

Since I’m feeling guilty for not posting in awhile, and ’cause I’m feeling awfully thankful for all my online friends looking out for me over the year, I’m posting a note that was sent to a loop I’m on. Unfortunately, not only can I not take credit for writing it, I can’t even give the credit, ’cause I don’t know where it came from!

To All My Online Friends:As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out
to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me “forwards” over the past 12 months. Thank you for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in
the glue on envelopes ’cause I now have to go get a wet
towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under
God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS
or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the
1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special email
program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that
I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this
afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor’s
ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Merry Christmas!

Here’s a present specially for Janice:

And here’s one for Mary:

And one for Holli, Kelly and Tammy:

And for Jill and me:

(don’t tell me I’m the only wife and mother who has to arrange for her own Christmas presents….)