August 28, 2006

Last Friday, I was dragged against my wishes by my three darling children to see Barnyard, the latest animated attempt at an Incredibles- or Cars-like masterpiece of humor for children perfectly mixed with humor for adults.

It was an atrocity from the very beginning. I’m not even going to try and write a fair review, because in my opinion, it doesn’t deserve even that.

I could probably have dealt with the predictable sappy plot, and the attempt at trying to please the adults as well as the children (there was exactly one scene, of perhaps 10 seconds, that made me laugh) if it weren’t for the male cows.

With udders.

Yesirreee. Male cows. With udders. With nipples that trembled and shivered and vibrated much too realistically with every movement. We got a lovely closeup of this quartet of nipplage during a particularly ridiculous scene where said male cow (the star of the movie, no less) is surfing down a mountain with his cohorts.

I wanted to leave right then, but I was stuck there for the next 60 minutes of trash.

Ugh.

So I write this as a warning to all of my friends with school-age children: no matter how much they beg, borrow and plead–and even if they are perfect angels the whole week you are trying to finish your book under deadline (which is how I had the privilege of going): don’t take them.

Save yourself.