Thirteen of the best parts of Spamalot
My Music Man and I went to see Spamalot last night, and we loved it. So in honor of this Broadway musical version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, here’s a Thursday Thirteen.
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1. The description of Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table:
The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere
The dashingly-handsome Sir Galahad
The homicidally-brave Sir Launcelot
Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who slew the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Bradon Hill
…and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-show
2. The Song That Goes Like This (Arthur & the Lady of the Lake)
“Once in every show/there comes a song like this/
It starts off low and slow/And ends up with a kiss…”
“I’ll sing it in your face/while we both embrace/
And then we change the key!/
Now we’re into E/That’s awfully high for me/
But everyone can see/We should have stayed in D…”
3. “I’m…not quite dead yet.”
(the old man who is nearly dead, but not quite dead yet)
4. Sir Galahad and his entrance with the Lady of the Lake after he’s been “transformed” into a knight…they appear standing in a small boat, gliding downstage, with a chandelier that suddenly appears overhead….strangely reminiscent of scenes from The Phantom of the Opera…
5. “I fart in your general direction!” (French taunter to Arthur and his men)
6. “We burst our pimples at you!” (French taunter and companions to Arthur and his men)
7.
Arthur: I am your king.
Peasant: Well I didn’t vote for you.
Arthur: You don’t vote for kings.
Peasant: Well how’d you become king then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis/Galahad: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony….You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
8. The Tale of Sir Robin
(This is the ringtone I have playing when my Music Man calls me, and it cracks me up every time)
“Bravely Bold Sir Robin/rode forth from Camelot/
He was not afraid to die/O brave Sir Robin/
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways/
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp/
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken/
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away/
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out/
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged/
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off/
And his penis split and his–”
9. When poor Sir Lancelot comes out of the closet to dance with the disco-dancing guys
“You can all find him pumping at the gym/at the Camelot Y.M.C.A”
10. The playbill for the show was itself a a comedy. The first three pages described a Finnish show, complete with long Finnish-looking names with multiple consonants and vowels, and hilarious biographies for each of the actors in the supposed production
11. I could just kick myself–really hard–for not making the trip to see the show on Broadway. Tim Curry was playing King Arthur, David Hyde Pierce (whom you know I adore) was playing the not-so-brave Sir Robin, and Hank Azaria played Lancelot.
12. There were pokes at Andrew Lloyd Webber, Britney Spears, and even a segment where they burst into an extended segment of “Lady” by The Commodores (good grief, remember that one?)
13.
King of Swamp Castle: Guards, make sure the prince doesn’t leave this room until I come and get him.
Guard: Not to leave the room… even if you come and get him.
King: No, no. *Until* I come and get him.
Guard: Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room.
King: No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn’t leave.
Guard: And you’ll come and get him.
King: Right.
Guard: We don’t need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
King: No, no. *Leaving* the room.
Guard: Leaving the room, yes.
King: All right?
Guard: Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we… oh, if… oh…
King: Look, it’s quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn’t leave the room. All right?
Guard: Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?
King: No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure…
Guard: Oh yeah, we’ll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him…
King: No, just keep him in here…
Guard: Until you, or anyone else…
King: No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard: Just you.
King: Get back.
Guard: Get back.
King:All right?
Guard: Right, we’ll stay here until you get back.
King: And make sure he doesn’t leave.
Guard: What?
King: Make sure he doesn’t leave.
Guard: The prince?
King: Yes, make sure he doesn’t leave.
Guard: Oh, yes, of course.
[Points at Guard #2]
Guard: I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me I were to guard him when he’s a guard.
King: Is that clear?
Guard: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
King: Right.
[King of Swamp Castle turns to leave the room, both guards follow him]
King: Where are you going?
Guard: We’re coming with you.
King: No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure *he* doesn’t leave.
Guard: Oh, I see. Right.
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Eragon is being slammed by reviewers and readers of the book. They say it’s nothing like the book, it’s a joke, but that it’s good for elementary-school age children. (Of which I have three.) My son cannot wait to see it, so he’ll be vehemently lobbying for that choice. And since it’s only rated PG, my five year old can see it without me worrying that she’ll be frightened. My ten year old daughter would probably rather see Eragon too.
