August 16, 2007
By Jackie Kessler
My name is Jackie Kessler, and I write about demons. (Funny demons. Sexy demons. Only a little on the scary side.) Specifically, I write about a succubus named Jezebel, who runs away from Hell. A succubus, natch, is a demon of sex. In my book, succubi lovey the sex. Can't get enough of it. (So what that their "clients" die at the end of their fun-filled romp, or that their clients' souls are whisked down to Hell before the sweat on their dead bodies has dried? There's always a give and take in these sorts of things.)
The Jezebel in me decided that it was time for me and Loving Husband to upgrade our bed. Between his ego, my emotional baggage, and two needy cats, there was barely room for the two of us in our Ikea platform full-size bed. Plus the thing was 12 years old — lying on a bed of rusty nails would have been more comfortable. So we went shopping.
And found the perfect bed. Cherry-wood frame, curving and sensual. And, because we've been married ten years and deserve a little decadence, we decided on the king-size mattress.
Yum.
Two weeks go by, and then the delivery men arrive with the bed.
Did you know that a king-size bed looks smaller in the store than it does in your bedroom?
Or that when you're five feet tall, climbing into said bed in the middle of the night after a bathroom run is an Olympic feat? (But finally, the phrase "climbing into bed" makes a hell of a lot of sense.)
Or that the ceiling fan over the bed is now so damn close that if Loving Husband and I do anything more creative than missionary-style nookie, he runs the risk of getting decapitated?
Sigh. The Jezebel in me is…perturbed. But she insists on replacing the ceiling fan with a teensy light fixture. (Losing the fan is no big deal; Jezebel likes it hot.) Looking forward to getting creative again.
I have an advance reading copy of THE ROAD TO HELL, which hits the shelves in November. For a chance to win the ARC, leave a comment about your worst bed mishap. Colleen will select a winner at random next week.
The second installment of the Gardella Vampire Chronicles takes Victoria to Venice and Rome.
My novel, 
August 16th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
This story cracks me up.
We upgraded to our king size when baby #2 was on the way. My dh was working away from home (we lived in Calgary, AB at the time and he was working in San Diego, CA) when the bed arrived. The delivery men just took it upstairs and leaned it against the wall and left (and they reeked of smoke and didn’t wear nice little botties to cover their shoes, but I degress). Even though I was 29 weeks pregnant I was determined that I would put the bed together. There I am moving the old queen size bed and boxframe and trying to maneuvouer (sp?) the new king size mattress (not easy around a very large tummy)–it was not easy, but I did it. Then I lay down and weeped as my, then, 2 1/2 year kept jumping on the bed beside me.
August 16th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
I meant that your story cracked me up Jackie, not my own. Sheesh. Sorry about that.
August 16th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
My now husband had an old bed when we were dating. It had been his mother’s when she was a little girl.(His family keeps everything) During a moment of wild passion, we broke the leg under the bed, and the bed and us collapsed to the floor. We were getting married soon, so a new bed was in order anyway, but he felt so guilty for breaking his mom’s bed he had to tell her HOW we broke it. LOL
August 16th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
um…i once collapsed a bed…in the middle of the night…in a college dorm. and it was all due to some late night…activities. and it woke up the entire hall. and i may have gotten a bit of a reputation that evening. but i had a happy boyfriend…and a broken bed.
ah well, with the good comes the bad.
August 16th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
don’t tell the Tour Manager, but he’s been known to fall off our bed. And yes, Jackie, like yours, ours is high. And like you, Jackie, I am five feet tall and I get the whole “Climb in” thing.
Except for those nights when the Tour Manager falls off.
I mean, it’s funny enough when the cats do it. But the husband?????
August 16th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
I’m single and live by myself but have a guest bedroom. When I was younger my friend roomed with me before she got married. She slept on a twin bed that was her parents that they got when they married. When she moved out she left the bed with me, boy is that one old bed! It probably is over 50 years old.
August 16th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
My worst bedroom mishap? Once, when I was a kid, my best friend was spending the night. My room was very small, so she slept on the bed next to me (our own blankets & everything). Well, the next morning I woke up to find that I’d shoved her off the bed, jamming her between the bed & the wall. It’s a good thing she was tiny, because I think she might have suffocated otherwise.
August 17th, 2007 at 10:06 am
Shortly after we got married my husband and I were at his parents, having a little fun on the old bed they had set up in their spare room. The mattress suddenly tilted on us and dumped us out into the floor. His dad laughed when he told us that the slats on that bed weren’t really long enough! (And we wished we had been given warning!)
August 18th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
I’m not sure whether I would describe this as a bedroom mishap. Perhaps it would be better described as my worst bedroom NEAR mishap.
I have always been a sound sleeper. Not much is able to wake me once I fall asleep - not freight trains speeding by a mere two streets away, nor a platoon of very motivated Marines running to cadence right outside my window at 5am… Not even a dozen fire trucks speeding by the window, sirens blaring (this on the morning of 9/11, when I lived in a college dorm room in NYC with a window opening onto Broadway. The combination of the sirens outside, my clock radio inside, and fellow students’ feet running towards the common room finally roused me).
So something as trivial as rolling out of bed wouldn’t have a chance of waking me - even if that bed were the unusually high top bunk of an unusually tall bunk bed. Even now, my parents like to relate the story of the time when their five-year-old daughter (that would be me) knocked over the railing of her bunk bed, rolled over, fell straight to the (thinly-carpeted) floor below, and then proceeded to pick herself up and climb up the ladder and back into bed - all while still asleep. They still marvel that I wasn’t hurt even the slightest bit - hence my describing the incident as a NEAR mishap.
August 19th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
My hubby and I were travelling through Italy by car. We found a place to stay towards the afternoon of each travelling day (unless we were staying in the area for a couple of nights or so). One of the places was an old Italian mansion that had been converted to a really charming hotel. The bed in the room was full sized and elegantly made up. It also sported an antique iron frame. After a romantic dinner, we carried up some grappa. We kissed, cuddled, and things got wonderfully physical….but we discovered that the mattress was supported by metal springs on that frame. The creaking was so screechingly loud that we had to stop and continue our interlude on an area rug on the floor.
August 19th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I love Jackie!! I was lucky enough to review for her! I loved Hell’s Belles! Jackie you’re a riot!
Hugs, Crystal